I've  really got to kick this night owl habit of mine. I thought it was bad when I was in high school, but now that I'm in college, it's even worse. Late nights, later mornings, and the day makes it way somewhere through there. Oh, the joys are simply endless.

I sorta miss doing nothing. I've been in school for a month, but I'm enjoying it. Yes, I'm enjoying the perilous interval charts and ever lovely multiplicity problems. A month ago, who would have known that I'd be graphing quadratic functions in my sleep? Hahah, but stress aside, I do like being in college. Getting help with homework in the math lab,  messing around with my fellow nerds in the math lab,  and talking smack about psychology majors is my normal day now. With my grueling 11:30-2:10 class on Tuesday and Thursday, my Monday-Thursday have been swallowed up by school. Funny how that works isn't it? Ah well, as long as I see my efforts paying off. I've got a quiz tomorrow, which I feel rather sketchy about. Thankfully my professor [ever lovable Sam] is meeting with me to help me. I love professors with benefits, hahaha.

I'm not sure if it's because I'm not dreading the fall or if it's because I simply dont care, but I've really lost my concept of time. By now, I would be saddned by the realization that summer was almost over, but I guess being out of high shcool makes life ten times better. I look forward to the fall. I hope I'm moved into my apartment by then.

Daddy and I went to check out the property and see what needs to be done. Fortunately it's not much, but in the words of my father the things that do need to be done are "big ticket items." The carpeting must be stripped, the kitchen counters re-done, the bathroom re-done, and some miscellaneous painting issues. Augh, I wish I could snap my fingers and have all those things be done instantly. Oh, if wishes came true.

My mother mentioned something to the extent of me not being in my apartment until AFTER December. I flipped my lid when I heard that. December, really? That's nothing short of horribly depressing.

Horribly depressing or not, I guess I have to deal with it. That's life for you.

So while we're on the issue of life I'd like to let you [you know who you are C.]  know that I'm thinking about you. I know you are reading, so it's good for you to see this since I haven't heard from you in over a month. I can't help but be worried since this really isn't like you. I know something must have come up for us to not talk for this long. The idea of you getting in trouble with her about me is the only solution that continually rears its ugly head in my mind. Almost jokingly, I imagined her, like an overbearing mother, banning you, the disobedient child, from speaking to me. I trivialized the idea until I realized it held a very definite possiblity. I don't know what it going on, but at least let me know if you're ok. I won't chase after you, but this unexplained silence is...hurtful. It hurts me in a way that I can't explain. That kind of feeling that knocks the wind out of me, that uncomfortable warmth in my chest. It's supposed to be more bearable as the days go by, but it's only getting worse.I'm telling you this because we have the kind of friendship for us to be 100% candid with each other.  Heck, I miss you. Alot. Even though I'm angry, I still miss my friend. I don't know what's going on, but I can only hope things are fine. And if nothing is going on, I'll feel immensely silly if you tell me you were without a cellphone or something like that. I would then promptly ask you for a refund of all the many emotions I've experienced lately. You know I'm usually calm, but when it comes to you, I get erratic. You put me out of my comfort zones in good and bad ways. So, as you read this think of how I feel. How I've been feeling. You really don't want me to go insane before I turn 18 do you? Hahaha. Even through all of it, I love you to death.  I really, really do.

Ahem, so now that I've gotten that off my chest, I think I'll go to bed. School today yeah...gotta write exponents n shit yo. Lol.

Like everyone else in the world today, I played out every single Michael Jackson song that I enjoy. Between the the sweeping nostalgia that swathed me as I watched music videos on television and everything else on YouTube, I managed a generally decent M.J. rotation.

In my room, my back was to the television and my face almost pressed against mirror as my hand painstakingly darkened my lash line with eyeliner. As I continued, I offhandedly listened to the music, smiling at the memories I associated with each song. With my television warmly humming in the background, the thumping tempo of "Beat It" faded, and the music phased into another song. The slower, rhythmic beat of "Remember The Time" came up while I switched eyeliner for the mascara wand. Though skillfully wriggling the wand over my eyelashes, I hummed along with the music. As I continued listening, unknowingly, the words of the song stirred something within me.

Do You Remember
When We Fell In Love
We Were Young
And Innocent Then
Do You Remember
How It All Began
It Just Seemed Like Heaven
So Why Did It End?

Wand posed mid air, I pondered the lyrics in my head, unconsciously replaying, analyzing, and applying them to circumstances that were all too similar in my life. I bit my lip ignored the tugging at my heart. Right hand still occupied with mascara application, my left hand clumsily sought out the remote and increased the volume on the television.

Do You Remember
How We Used To Talk
We'd Stay On The Phone
At Night Till Dawn

The sea of memories crashed over me as I heard those first three bolded lines. Thoughts of your voice filled my head, swirling around me and stirring memories of what used to be. I quietly remembered our conversations into the wee hours regardless of the fact that we both had school the next morning. My heart lurched as I continued thinking.  Even under the air conditioning and fan, I felt my chest tighten and warm up uncomfortably. I knew that feeling. The pain that unfortunately tinged each thought, the longing that would quite never be quieted. In my forced nostalgia, my attention was diverted. I'd missed the tube for the mascara while trying to put it back and sloppily smudged the wand against my hand instead. Remedying the mess with a q-tip, I continued on to my left eye.


Do You Remember
All The Things We Said Like
I Love You So
I'll Never Let You Go

Those lines somehow caught me off guard. I understood the song was written to the universal feeling reminiscing about love, but the lyrics pressed my hidden wounds that were still open. I remebered those times. The melody of his "I love you" played softly in my mind, yet now, it only felt like weak and hollow, like an  empty shell of what it had been before.  Somehow, the tears did not form at the corners of my eyes, nor did they pool at the bottom.  I stood silently and stared into the mirror. I took the overwhelming rush of feelings I felt at the moment, and forced them back to where they had surfaced from. Still, I thought of him.

Do You Remember
Those Special Times
They'll Just Go On And On
In The Back Of My Mind

Summer classes begin next week. The euphoria of being in college is lessening more and more as I contemplate the very ugly reality of exchanging summer fun for graphing and functions. While others are out beaching and frolicking through the sand, I shall be frantically doing my best to stay afloat in my algebra class. How unfortunate. But I will look at this positively. After finishing this course, I won't have to take it in the fall, and I can delay my next math course until spring semester. Oh yeah!

I am excited to meet new people in my class though. I don't know when I began to sincerely anticipate meeting new people. Not that I'm ready to discard all my high school friends, but let's be honest. After being with the same people day after day, class after class, things tend to get stale. I'm sure I'll be saying this about my college friends eventually, but that time is not here yet. I enjoy the distraction and temporary fascination of something new, be it things or people. And of course, who does not love the idea of new males in the vicinity. I doubt Doyin meant for her whole joke about summer flings to take off, but I think it's gotten a life of it's own now hahaha.

Went to the gym on Wednesday. Technically now it's Friday [since it's past 12 AM] and I'm still sore. A friend invited me to come try out her gym. And of course, who am I to pass up a freebie? I've been meaning to hit up my college gym, but I just haven't made the time yet. But anyway, I went with her. Out of all the classes being offered, I had to take the aerobics class...from HELL. That's right, you'd thought that lovely prepositional phrase had died out with my high school physics class didn't you? Nope. I can't wait to use it in college, hehehe.

I'll admit, I know that I'm a bit out of shape. My stamina is weak, my muscles aren't greatly toned, and sure I could stand to strengthen up a little bit. But really...for someone who hasn't been working out consistently [or at all] that class was too intense for a beginner. I was dying halfway through. Even under the blare of pumping music and our instructor's overly cheery voice, I felt myself swearing off any sort of gym activity for the rest of my LIFE. Thankfully, the second half of the class wasn't so bad. After the class, I did the elliptical machine with my friends. Half an hour later, we resigned to the sauna. Surprisingly, saunas are enjoyable in a horribly sweaty and slightly disgusting way.

Now that I've got plans for my hot bod underway, time to check the box in the summer fling department right? Eh, about that. A lovely summer fling would be convenient if both parties had no lasting affections or lingering emotions i.e. jealousy [which just happens to be my worst sin out of the deadly seven]. The guys at orientation were nice, but unfortunately there was not enough time to allow a little something to brew. There could be more development in my summer class though.. Maybe while I'm graphing functions and slogging through inequalties, sparks will fly with the resident [extremely good looking] math genius of the class. Then I could get a two for one deal! A summer fling and someone to help me pass the class! Yes, I'm a genius! I'll seduce the smartest boy in the class while securing at least a 3.5 GPA!

That would all be good and dandy if only things were simple. Unbeknownst to most, my current romantic status is warm yet complicated at best and indescribably frustrating [amongst other things] at worst. It's all one big jumble of love, selfishness, and pain.

Wait...isn't this is how fabulous Lifetime movies are made? Screw the hot fling and summer bod. I should just make a Lifetime movie! An epic coming of age story of lost love, life altering decisions, and the character's brave struggle into the future. I'll call it, The Eighteenth Summer.

No no...wait again. I'm going to write a book that will THEN be adapted into an Emmy winning Lifetime movie. It will move housewives and post-menaupausal woman across the country.

BMW X6 here I come...

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